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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23757004">Draco Malfoy and the Forbidden Friends</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lemon_Cookies/pseuds/Lemon_Cookies'>Lemon_Cookies</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, Kinks, M/M, The power of friendship, centaur trampling, crude sexual humor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 17:02:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,730</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23757004</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lemon_Cookies/pseuds/Lemon_Cookies</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Draco had a problem. Crabbe and Goyle were starting to get him down. He needed real friends.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Grawp/Rubeus Hagrid, Rubeus Hagrid/Draco Malfoy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Draco Malfoy and the Forbidden Friends</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This masterpiece took two years to write. Enjoy.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Draco had a problem. Crabbe and Goyle were starting to get him down. He needed real friends. First he tried to befriend the giant squid, but Cephallus didn't really respect personal boundaries. Then he tried to befriend the thestrals in the forest, but they were only one step above an invisible friend. He was getting desperate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So desperate that he was even willing to attempt to befriend that giant oaf who lived in a hut by the forest of death and was naught more than a glorified servant.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He approached the oaf's shack and knocked thrice upon the door, then wiped his knuckles vigorously on his cloak to remove the peasant dust. From within, two mangy mutts barked wildly, and Draco began to back up slowly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"EY YUP JUS A MOMEN THAR" came Hagrid's voice. "SHU'P FANG YE DUMB MUTANT."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door burst open and two hairy giants sprung forth, engulfing Draco in fumes and saliva.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"STOP molesting me Hagrid, you great mangy blood traitor," Draco spat venomously. "Or I'll tell my father."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What arr ye 'ere fer then y'ruddy slytherin' snacc?" Hagrid roared.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Erm," Draco stalled uncharacteristically, trying to think of a lie that wouldn't make Hagrid close the door in his face, but also wouldn't encourage his apparently lascivious proclivities toward students. Or him. Or anything that breathed. The startling realization that maybe "care of magical creatures" meant something different to Hagrid than it did to other people flashed through his mind, but he really didn't want to think about that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"'Erm'? 'Ermione ain't 'ere!" Hagrid ejaculated.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What? No, I'm not on a mudblood hunting expedition right now Hagrid, that's just during summer vacation."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ya hunt too?" Hagrid asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You hard of hearing, you oaf? Obviously," Draco replied. He'd heard the old adage that friendships were formed from mutual interests, so this seemed like a good topic to pursue. "I've heard that hunting in the Forbidden Forest is... nice." He wasn't used to small talk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nice if ya like gettin' trampled by centaurs. That's my kink. Tramplin.'" Hagrid grinned, continuing the mutual interest thread. "How 'bout you?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What? Gross. I'm not... I'm not talking about kinks with you!" Draco had turned a brilliant shade of red.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're righ, 'nuff talkin'," Hagrid grumbled, standing on all fours. "Less go huntin'!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Draco sighed. Was this what friendship meant? If it did, he supposed he'd have to give it a try. He had to admit he was ever so slightly curious about this "centaur trampling" thing too. Not that he'd ever say that out loud. "Fine. Lead the way, peasant."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Hagrid did not move. He arched his back and looked at Draco expectantly. "ALL ABOOOOAR'!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Draco had never... ridden anyone before. This was new territory. Hesitantly, he approached. "When did you last wash yourself?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Errr. Prolly when I opened the chamber o' secrets. With your mum. Las' nigh'!" Hagrid roared. "Now hop on and let's go!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Mother didn't open the Chamber of Secrets. That was You Know Who and that mudblood Weasley girl." Draco swung one leg over Hagrid's wide back, straddling him, and entwined his fingers into the mangy giant's back hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hagrid grimaced. "Ya have quite the imagination." And he was off, scampering away from the hut and into the thick, musky foliage.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a bumpy ride, and although it took some adjusting, it wasn't altogether unpleasant. Despite his large girth, Hagrid was a comfortable steed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Are we going to find centaurs, Hagrid?" Draco asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ya bet we are!" Hagrid replied, panting. Draco was a lot bigger than he looked. "But if we happen ta stumble upon a different furry creature on the way, ain't no reason we can't get acquainted with them, too!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was at that moment that something collided with them, almost as if the universe were indeed eager to acquaint them with whatever furry creature this was. Except it was not furry. It was quite bare. And giant. And strapping. And--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"GRAWPY!" Hagrid crooned, leaping up from where he'd fallen on top of Draco. "Wha'd I tell ya 'bout takin' all yer clothes off?!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Mmmmph," said Draco, who was pretty sure his soul had just left his body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If it hadn't already, it soon would, because Grawp was ignoring Hagrid and approaching the delectable blond treat instead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"GRAWPY, NO!!!!" But it was too late. With a tongue the size of half a dozen large pheasants, Grawp was bushwhacking the whimpering blond with viscous saliva.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hagrid, help!" Draco gasped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ooooh, Grawpy," Hagrid cooed, ripping off his tartan vest and busting his blouse buttons with his hairy pecs. "C'mere." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grawp dropped Draco faster than a toddler drops brussel sprouts when presented with cake, and ambled over to his half brother, a gargled war cry of love in the back of his throat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Tha's righ' Grawpy, ya dirty boy," Hagrid coaxed, though before he could say another word, Grawp had engulfed him in a slobbery kiss.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Draco sat up, wiping his face with his shirt sleeve, which didn't do much, since it too was soaking wet. "What in the Dark Lord's name is going on? My father will be hearing about this!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At this point, the clippity clop of four hooves grew louder and louder until the ground was shaking with the combined assault of Grawp and Hagrid's thrashing limbs and the incoming creature's strut. Firenze the centaur appeared, haloed by dark foliage, his majestic mane blowing elegantly in the wind. Atop his curved horsey back sat none other than Lucius Malfoy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"TRAMPLIN' TIME!" Hagrid roared jovially. Grawp slobbered in agreement.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"D-Daddy?" Draco whimpered, wide eyed and pale.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Watch and learn, Draco," said Lucius, and kicked Firenze's sides.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Firenze blinked his large doleful eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Obey me at once!" Lucius hissed, kicking the centaur's flanks again. And they were off, stomping all over Hagrid and his little big brother in a flurry of hooves and groans.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"This is what the Dark Lord commands," Lucius called out over the sounds of hoof strikes. "Inferior races will be trampled beneath the hooves of dominance. And I will be second only to the Dark Lord himself!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yergjskljga!" Hagrid moaned. "I'm a dirty little halfblood, trample me harder, sir!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You heard him," Lucius snarled at Firenze. "Put some back into it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Firenze flipped over and made a Lucius sandwich between his furry back and Hagrid's furry belly. Grawp lay at the bottom of them all, erecting his freak flag. Jolted out of his shocked stupor by this new development, Draco took his wee wand out of his pocket and brandished it at the veritable orgy of creatures.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Stop! Stop or I'll--"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Now is not the time to show mercy, Draco! Get over here and help me flatten the enemy!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But Father, please. I don't think either of those oafs sanitize themselves. What if I get a disease?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lucius was too busy whacking Hagrid with his cane to respond.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unsure of what else to do, Draco approached, his wand still drawn and erect in his hand. A couple of unsure white sparks shot from the end. At the same time, a long stream of white sparks erupted from Grawp, colliding with Draco's and buoying each other into the sky, where they hovered above in the form of a Dark Mark.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a snap, crackle, and pop, a dozen or so aurors appeared at the scene, one of whom was Mad Eye Moody himself, infamous Death Eater-hunter and secret drag queen. Mad Eye's wonky eye spun around in his cray cray head, taking </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything</span>
  </em>
  <span> in: Lucius lying on top of Hagrid, Hagrid lying on top of Grawp, Firenze frolicking gayly on top of them all, and Draco towering over them, his wand poised expectantly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was only one thing to do--one way to perfect this splendid scene. With a swish and a wiggledy jiggledy, Mad Eye turned Draco into the perfect virgin-white ferret. See, Mad Eye was also secretly a furry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"FERRET!" Hagrid yelled, shooting out of the pile of entangled limbs toward the intoxicating allure of a new beast. Hagrid, too, was a furry, but that was no secret at all, at least not to anyone who took his Care of Magical Creatures classes. But Mad Eye was too quick. Up, up, up into the air Ferret Draco went, out of Hagrid's reach, only to be repetitively bashed against a tree.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Uhhnn," moaned Hagrid. "Yer a thumpin' good air trampler, Mad Eye. Wish I was that tree."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The other aurors watched uncomfortably as Draco squealed with pain. Fortunately, the elder Malfoy took this moment to surface from his attempted Grawp-homicide.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is that my son?!" he screeched, his eyes widening in horror as he took in the half circle of aurors surrounding him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Mebbe," Mad Eye mumbled, pocketing his wand so quickly that Draco fell to the earth in a fuzzy heap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before Lucius could react, Hagrid sprang forth and scooped Ferret Draco into his arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How wa’ that, eh? Yer not a tramplin' virgin anymore!" he proclaimed, sounding much like a proud father or maybe even... a friend. Because friendship must be tied in somehow in order to end this fic. And all the aurors came and surrounded Hagrid and Grawp and Ferret Draco and engulfed them in a group hug of friendship.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You see, the Ministry of Magic had decided that all Death Eaters really needed was a nice big hug. People become evil when they don't have someone to love. And Hagrid was the best secret agent of them all, so big was his heart, so big was his wand. You know which wand - not the umbrella one, the one within Grawp's butt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At this point, Firenze and Lucius joined the cuddle session because they felt left out. Draco had never experienced something like this before. Lord Voldemort liked to hug him sometimes, but those were usually painful, stilted occurrences that left Draco feeling sad and violated.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Grawpy love Draco," said the giant as he smothered the group with kisses.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that, children, is the story of how Draco found his true form as a ferret, made a gaggle of new friends, and came to understand the virtues of trampling. Shortly thereafter, Mad Eye arrested Lucius and took him to his kinky BDSM dungeon for some remedial lessons on how not to be a Death Eater. And everyone else lived happily ever after until they died.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All was well.</span>
</p>
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